Exclusively pumping and the guilt of stopping

Up until a few weeks ago,  I had been exclusively pumping since Blaire was about 3 weeks old. She did great nursing, though it was painful due to blisters that developed (more painful than any moment of my c-section recovery) and but she wasn’t able to keep up with my production so there was another painful aspect for me. I understand that if I had just dealt with the engorgement and let my body regulate itself, instead of pumping the excess, I probably wouldn’t be the overproducer that I have been. However, this overproduction is what has to allowed me to wean at 6 months and still be able to provide breast milk to our daughter until she’s a year old…or very close to it. As of today, I have about 5,000 ounces in the deep freezer.

At first, I worried that with my overproduction there would be a hind/foremilk imbalance or that she wasn’t getting enough fat out of my milk, but I think that is a silly worry considering she is over 18 lbs, which puts her in the 75% for weight! She’s getting everything she needs and more from my milk! To put it in perspective, Bryce was 8 months before he weighed as much.

There’s no doubt exclusively pumping required sacrifices and is A LOT of work! I’ve had to sacrifice extra time I could spend playing with my 4 year old son, time I could spend with my husband, the times I could have held Blaire while giving her a bottle instead of giving the bottle to her in her boppy, time I could spend sleeping instead of going to bed at 10pm, after my last pump of the day, then waking up at 4:30am for the first pump, time at work when there’s TONS of work to be done…pretty much my point is that the time I’ve spend pumping could have easily been used somewhere else. Also let’s not forget about the time spent hand washing pump parts, which thankfully Nic did 95% of the time.

I worried that with another child it would be far more challenging to do than it was the first time. I truly expected it to be nearly impossible having Bryce to look after also. We found our routine and got in a rhythm and just decided there was no other option than to make it work. 

It was not done without having a good purpose; this is something that is benefiting our daughter, though she still managed to be sick for about a month straight which was a little disappointing considering my efforts, but I guess breast milk is not the glass bubble that we’d like it to be. After all, she is exposed to far more germs than Bryce ever was at this age.

Before I proceed on about the guilt I’ve had to work through, I’ll share a few of my best tips and items that I feel made this journey successful.

Support: First and foremost the support from my husband has been the biggest contributing factor. I think a lot of the success is mental determination, and if you’re not getting positive reinforcement you can’t be as determined as needed. I think he’s quite proud and impressed with my ability to feed our child with my body, and has no qualms about sharing/bragging about our freezer stash. Though I know he gets tired of hearing “I need to pump” and is looking forward to the accomplishment of our goals as much as I am.

Medela Pump In Style Advanced (PISA) – Metro Bag: With Bryce I used the Medela Freestyle and loved the freedom that came with the smaller pump. Unfortunately, when I got the Freestyle out to use it I found that the power cord would no longer charge the battery, in fact the pump wouldn’t even recognize that it was plugged in. I knew my sister had replaced the battery and actually there was still a little life on the battery where I was able to determine that the pump itself still worked. I purchased a new cord in hopes that was my problem, but it wasn’t. So I called Medela and after a little troubleshooting and discussion with them, I was pretty much stuck with having to purchase a new pump. I guess after using it for 9 months myself, and then my sister using it for 6 was about all that she had in her. Since I loved the freedom of the Freestyle, but was tempted by the popularity and great reviews for the PISA. Ultimately, I decided on the PISA - Metro Bag. The pump in the Metro Bag was removable and also came with a battery pack to make it mobile. However, the suction was noticeably less with the battery pack, so I didn’t really used it much. If my car didn’t have a AC outlet, I probably would have used the battery pack a lot or purchased the car adapter.

Pumpin’ Pals: Since I was pregnant with Bryce I have been an avid Baby Center forum lurker. One of the boards I follow is The Exclusive Pumpers board. The women on this board are some of the most supportive I’ve seen on Baby Center and are always providing a wealth of information. One item I found highly recommended were the Pumpin’ Pals shields in place of the Medela ones. They claim these shields mimic a nursing baby. With my Freestyle I had SoftFit shields, which I LOVED. Unfortunately those were discontinued by Medela. So I was dealing with the uncomfortable shields as the only option that Medela had this time around…until I learned of the Pumpin’ Pals. At first I wasn’t sure they were all they cut out to be; they were definitely more comfortable but I didn’t find that they helped increase output or decrease my pumping time. I really didn’t care about the increase in output as that was and is not an issue for me, in fact it seemed to lower my output initially, but to be able to decrease the time I spent pumping was something I definitely wanted. Somedays I found that the time I spend pumping decreased, but some days I didn't really thinks it was any less time than would have been with the normal shields. However, I had to commit to only using the Pumpin’ Pals to really see them create the output comparable to the Medela shield. I guess I was confusing my body and found that it responded much better to them when I chose to use them exclusively. Whether they increased output or decreased time, I don’t care because they were definitely more comfortable.

Other tips:

Purchase spare parts. We had to wash bottles and pump parts once a day and if I hadn't had the spares I had we’d had done it a lot more. Yes, there are things that can be done to avoid washing the parts every time they’re used, such as storing the parts in the refrigerator between uses (which I did when I was pumping 7 times a day). Also Medela has some wipes that can be used to clean the parts, they just have to air dry for 10 minutes before being used again. I used this method when I was out and about and when I didn’t want to pack a lot. I also used them for work, while I was using one set, I’d clean a second set to be used on the next pump.

Guilt can be so complex. It can hold a large amount of power over me and yet I want to handle it by just ignoring it. Unfortunately I couldn't ignore the guilt I felt since I felt guilt coming from both sides when it came to my decision to stop pumping. The guilt for stopping pumping or the guilt for the time it takes to pump.

I’m not saying that “I quit”, because I did not quit!  My initial goal, as it was with Bryce, was to make it 6 months. So I met my goal on time and I met my freezer stash goal. My goal for my freezer stash was 6,000 oz, which I think peaked at closer to 6,500 oz.

I felt guilty because I know I’m extremely blessed and I was able to do it with little effort. I know there are so many people out there that struggle with it. I wanted to stop just because I was ready to be done; pretty much I felt selfish. Once I was down to 4 pumps a day it didn’t seem like such a chore anymore. At this point, I seriously doubted my decision to quit. Then I thought about how nice it would be to not to have to pack up the pumping bag, in addition to the diaper bag, the kids, and half the house to be gone for the day. Not to mention the time that I would no longer take away from everyone else in my household. Of course I worried (and still do) that something will happen to our freezer stash. I know I had the same guilt when I was pumping for Bryce, and ultimately decided to go another 3 months to make it to 9 months. However I only had a few hundred ounces in the freezer…not a few THOUSAND! So it really seemed silly to continue when I didn’t necessarily need to at this point.

Then I felt guilty even entertaining the thought of NOT stopping, because of the time it would continue to take away from my family. I could have easily continued until a year, but I think for my sanity, I didn't do it. I tossed around the possibility of doing one pump a day for a while if, and only if, I could still maintain getting 20+ ounces on that one pump. Normally, my first pump of the day produced an average of 26 oz!  When I did go down to one pump a day, I continued to pump more than 20 oz. Then with my sister being pregnant and due in October, she joked that I should store enough for her baby because she’s dreading pumping as well. 

Up until I dropped down to 3 pumps a day, I still was getting and average of 80 oz per day! At 3 pumps per day I got an average of 60 oz per day. At 2 pumps it dropped down to 40 oz. Once I hit one pump per day, I was ready to be finished, but my body just would not give it up! I tried cabbage leaves, sage tea, and mucinex. Then I started just pumped when I became uncomfortable and I couldn't quite make it a full week. Ultimately I think a 1/4 tsp of sage mixed with V8, drank 3 times a day was what did the trick. I pumped for the last time on May 22nd.  

It's bitter sweet knowing this is the last baby I will have this experience with.